“The Children of Daedalus holds humanity to be one with the earth. Salvation comes from what surrounds us and interacts with us. We see Icarus2 as the salvation to lead humanity to experience ultimate spirituality”

 

CULTISTS: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!

The last time anyone spoke of cultists, it was in a matter of degradation. But in 2017, the times have changed. Cultists are your run of the mill crazies. They’re just like us! They work, watch Netflix, eat kale. Today’s column focuses on three asteroid worshippers from a cult known as The Children of Daedalus, and a day in their lives.

 

SEZ: So what’s the first thing you all do when you wake up?

SALDERMAN: Well, first I take a look at the countdown. These last few months are really exhilarating.

CRANE: Definitely breakfast.

SEZ: What do you eat?

CRANE: An entire avocado.

SEZ:… oh.

JEFFRIES: I make a list of all the goals I want to accomplish for the day. Today’s list says “interview with SEZ”, “encourage SEZ reporter to come to a meeting” and “convert SEZ reporter”.

SEZ: How far are you in your list?

JEFFRIES: I’ll give you the answer to that at tonight’s meeting.

SEZ:.  Great, I’ll think about it. What do you see happening when the Icarus2 hits? Do you have any plans for where you’ll be at the point of impact?

SALDERMAN: We actually have a meetup scheduled for the night before, so we’re all going to go down to the point of impact together. The scripture says the light from Icarus2 will give us an experience that extends well beyond a single lifetime. I’m very excited to feel my soul spread across the cosmos to my alternate lives.

CRANE: If you go, you should probably bring sunglasses.

JEFFRIES: The scripture also mentions that if you look directly into Icarus2, you can almost see THROUGH it and you might see the being guiding the asteroid.

SEZ: Being? None of our research points to Icarus being a guided action.

JEFFRIES: Well the scripture is better than science.

SEZ: What do you plan on wearing to the impact?

SALDERMAN: I considered our Daedalus cloaks, but I think I might lean towards comfortable shoes and a cardigan. You never know how chilly the afterlife will be.

CRANE: Vera Wang.

JEFFRIES: I’ll wear the cloak. I’m so used to wearing it to important events. Like binge watching The Path (which is a totally inaccurate portrayal of cults) and during new member initiations. So I’ll probably wear it when we get you initiated later, right?

SEZ: I’ll… have to check my schedule. But last question. Do you have any advice for people interested in learning about your cult? Any advice for those scared of the impending asteroid?

SALDERMAN: They can always go to our Facebook page. Which… we actually haven’t put up yet. But stay tuned! Also, “be calm and follow your guts”. The Children of Daedalus aren’t a dogmatic group. You have to discover the asteroid yourself and feel the change within you on your own time. And we’d love to have you join us.

CRANE: Hydrate.

JEFFRIES: Above all, we’re a community. A community that believes in Icarus2 as the sign that we need to make changes within ourselves. The goal of The Children of Daedalus is true spiritual enlightenment and freedom for all. And if that sounds like something you’d be interested in, my number is 555-2858 and I’ll be happy to convert you. Or listen to your questions. But primarily to convert you.

 

And there you have it, readers. Children of Daedalus members lead normal lives. They don’t rely on The Foresight Corporation to give them answers. They feel the answers within themselves. A worthy cause? Possibly! Below is the address for the Children of Daedalus meeting tonight.